Wanting What You Can't Have

13 February, 2008 (8:45am) - 5 March, 2008 (4:33am)
Link.

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Caelen nodded his head to what might have been the hundredth time that night to the guys that were currently talking to him. He was being forced to play peacemaker by some random boys in his dorm that he didn't even know and he couldn't escape. He had no clue what the boys were talking about, he's never heard a word they said to him he just nodded at every pause to make it seem like he was paying attention. He's never been one to involve himself in other's conflicts and he wasn't going to begin now, he wanted to make a few friends not gain enemies over some silly matter that could easily be avoided. He tried to remember how exactly he managed to get sucked into this very pointless discussion about Quidditch, yes that's what they were talking about he realized that now. "You're kidding" He spoke to himself, although loudly and the boys ignored it, Quidditch was a great sport he agreed but that was no reason to fight with someone for almost twenty minutes.

With a very loud and annoyed sigh Caelen showed his opinion by getting up and moving away from the boys, they questioned him as they were obviously not happy with being ignored but he simply kept walking. Sometimes he saw being cold and mean as the only answer to resolve such things, if he wasn't than he would sit there still in order to get the boys to befriend him and Caelen was not the type of person to change himself just to have friends. In fact he was in a way the opposite, he did change over the years, mentally not physically since that was impossible for vampires, but it had a negative effect on his life, well one that he wanted but still negative. He found it easier now to drive someone away and live with it afterwards, he suppose it was years of being cold to his friends so they'd leave him alone for their own safety. While they listened and gave the boy the space he asked for, and ended their friendship, he just kept losing bits of his humanity and now he stood as a ticking cold time bomb. One that was able to be cold and mean to someone he wanted for whatever reason and instead of mopping over it and being sorry like his old self he got over it quite quickly.

Though he didn't put much use into his new found talent, if you would call such thing a talent, well not yet in Beauxbatons at least he was doing good so far, avoiding as much human friends as possible and he was fine with that. He really lacked some self control when it came to things like feeding and with human friends he would worry constantly. Worry that they would either find out what he is and be disgusted and leave him alone, like his family did, and worried that one day he would slip and hurt one of them and that was the last thing he wanted. He was sure if he ever bit any of his friends on a slip up that he'd actually lose the little part of a soul that he had left. Sometimes he wondered if he even had a soul, this curse placed upon him damned him for life and he was sure he no longer possessed a soul and he was slowly but surely losing his humanity. Soon he was sure that there would be nothing left but the ghost of what once use to be a boy in the body of a new found monster, not monster in the literal sense of course, he would never start to kill or anything, but he did believe that he would become cold and broken beyond repair so he just sat dreading the day until it happened.

Lost in his very hopeless thoughts Caelen had no idea where his feet were leading him, he has yet to see every inch of the school and he certainly did not recognize this hallway. The halls were quiet and empty and Caelen took a quick look around and surely enough he was the only one occupying it, it made him wonder what time it was for he had no clue. He lost track of days and nights on weekends, almost very literally, as he spend most of the time in the clock-tower watching the students walk by. It's very funny when you think about it, how does someone in a clock-tower lose track of time? but his mind was always elsewhere and days or nights and hours seemed the same to him. He continued forward as he saw no reason to turn around now, he was already in a corridor that was unknown to him so what harm could there be in exploring. He was more than capable of taking care of himself as being a vampire provided him with indescribable strength and speed, and years upon years of schooling made him excel in spells and hexes so he saw no harm in walking forward.

He finally came to the end of the long silent hallway and he stood in front of a door. Caelen rose an eyebrow slightly as a look of confusion crossed his face, he was a little annoyed to say the truth that all there was, was a plain door at the end of a hallway. It did spark his curiosity more of course as he wanted to see what was so great that it had to be so far down a very creepy hallway. His hand flew to the doorknob without a moment of hesitation and to his surprise the door was unlocked, he thought the effect of this door along with this hallway was a little melodramatic even for the people at Beauxbatons but he continued anyway. Caelen walked into the room and closed the door behind him without looking back, he had no need to since if anyone was following him he'd surely know with his enhanced senses, the room was empty and dark and through the windows that were in the far back of the room he saw it was nighttime. He walked forward slowly as if expecting someone or something to jump out of the shadows and attack him, but nothing, and he found it hard to believe that this room simply held a mirror. That was the only thing he saw, an antique looking mirror in the middle of the room with writing into the carving that he could make out to be 'The Mirror of...'. The rest of the words were lost to him due to his lack of knowledge of the Latin language.

Caelen sighed walking forward as he was so eager to see what made this mirror so special. He stood in front of the thing for a moment staring at his reflection, that was all he saw, his reflection and he wasn't quite sure what to expect. A part of him was expecting maybe a boggart, or he was expecting his reflection to do something, like attack him, he didn't really see what he was waiting for and he sighed ready to leave the room when he noticed it; The person he was looking at wasn't him, his reflection was very different from him. He realized as to why he didn't notice earlier, the difference was too minimal but it meant the world to him. The person staring back at him still had those gray eyes, the ones that he lost when he made the mistake of running into a vampire, the ones that he would never see again, and would never be his again. The ones that were replaced by the nearly black cold dead eyes that he was forced to wear everyday.

Caelen scoffed slightly as he continued looking at himself, or his old self. He realized the person staring back at him was human since he lost his gray eyes when he ceased to be human and the more he looked at his reflection the more he hated having this curse on him. He actually reached his limit with the mirror, he wanted to break it, shatter it into a million pieces for mocking him, showing him what he use to be, what he wanted to be but would never have a chance to be. "The Mirror of..." He spoke coldly as he felt all the warmth leave his body, in the metaphorical sense of course, and continued looking at the mirror. He understood what it did now, it showed you your desire and now he wished he never came into the room.

He couldn't believe that something so horrible existed, such a thing to tempt you and mock you until you're driven insane, he finally understood what the mirror was truly there for and he took a chance at guessing the name. "The Mirror of... Suicide" He spoke out-loud with a hint of humor in his voice, that was the only possible answer he could think of for this mirror, it was meant to drive you to suicide. He continued staring at the person in front of him, the person that stood mocking him, as he tried to gather the courage to leave the room.

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Aife skirted a stone corner, her nose buried deep in a Muggle Victorian novel. The lengthy passageways and wide halls provided a perfect place for her to read, without feeling like an idle duck. She'd conveniently lost Dorian somewhere on the second floor, where he'd become entranced by a line of ants.

Deft, spiny fingers rolled the pages ears as their owner scowled in concentration. Not that she'd needed it. This was her fourth run through the book, and she'd memorized almost every significant plot line. Aife turned the leaf, and crossed her hand to the wall, letting her pale digits guide her as she walked blindly through the corridors. She walked swiftly, her eyes scanning the detailed lines in time with the swings of her long, pale legs.

So deep in concentration was she, that Aife barely had time to notice the open door before her, and ran right into the stile of the hard oak plank. She dropped her book, her startled hands launching out to regain her standings. Confused, she looked around as she bent to retrieve the text. The door was far down a lone passageway, she noticed the light was sparse here, and the dusty stone walls seemed highly familiar. She glanced beyond the frame as she rose, and noted the vast room, empty of anything except high, arched windows and a massive mirror.

Aife blanched at the sight, the memory of her first encounter with the glass filling her tangled mind. She turned slowly, quite ready to return to the puzzle of hallways when a thought made her pause. It wasn't as if she had to look at the mirror. And she knew her grandmother was all right, she'd received an owl from her just that morning. Her feet shifted in the direction of the room, and she hesitantly stepped over the threshold.

Before she ventured farther into the room, she realized it was all ready occupied. Aife paused, unsure as to whether she should stay or leave. She glanced at the boy, taking in his impressive height and clean appearance. Usually she was incredibly shy at introducing herself amongst new people. However, it really did help when they were all alone, with only the two of them to notice her short comings. She thought of Lunette, who was so much better than she was at socializing.

Taking a cue from her friend, she thought of a phrase that might make her sound witty, and more sure of herself than she felt. She folded her arms and leaned against the frame of the door. "If you plan on killing yourself any time soon, you might want to gaze in there a little bit longer..." she quipped, pulling absentmindedly on a fiery strand of hair.

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As Caelen stood there staring at the person in the mirror he seemed to relive all of his human memories. Most of them were the ones with his family. He loved his family very much and though he did not agree with their customs, mostly the pure-bloods are superior one, they were still his family. He got along with most of them and even agreed to their arranged marriage to make them happy even though he knew he would hate it. Now looking back at it part of him regretted ever doing anything to make them happy, when he needed them most they more or less banished him. Forbade him from ever contacting them and disowned him. He felt foolish now to actually believe that they would still want him with what he'd become.

As he grew up the only words that ever came out of his mother's and fathers mouths were blood related. Marry a pure-blood witch, continue the legacy, have loads of children. They seemed the type to be supporters of Voldemort when he was around but Caelen never asked as that was none of his business. His family's bad reputation with the non-pure blooded almost caused him to be friendless and though he tried to not care about his friends blood status he knew if his parents found out he was friends with muggle borns they would be angry. When he was turned for some reason he thought he could go to his family for help, and of course that was not a good idea. They resented him for what he was, blamed him for ruining his life and the wife of the family who's daughter he was suppose to marry. He was the only son of the family and they blamed for ruining his chances of ever producing an heir. He tried to remember what he was thinking when he decided to go back to them after he became a vampire, he should have known they would have shunned him but part of him believed they loved him to much to do so. Now his eyes were opened, he realized that he couldn't really trust anyone, no matter how much they claimed to love you he would always be something to be feared and hated.

Caelen took a deep breath as he stared into the reflection of what he use to be, he tried to picture if he could have gone back to the day he ran into Bernard would he have done anything different. The answer he came up with ultimately was no, he was never able to turn his back on someone that needed help and even though his good deed on that night turned him into a vampire he was sure he would just do it again. He didn't hate the man for turning him, it wasn't his fault he knew that if he didn't turn him that he would be dead right now. Though he knew that his sire wouldn't be able to live with himself if he had let him die instead, he still wished the guy had chosen that option because now he was stuck as a soulless being and he didn't think he'd ever be able to be happy with that.

Lost in his thoughts he didn't take notice of the person that entered the room until he heard her speak. Caelen turned around quickly to see who spoke to him since it wasn't a voice he recognized. The same instant he cursed himself for letting his mind become to preoccupied to smell or hear her until it was too late. Not that he could have done anything, there was no where to hide in the room and he actually wasn't in the mood to run away right this moment. He slipped his hands into his pockets as he looked at her, she was a little hard to see in the darkness but he made no move to approach her, instead he chose to answer her with his currents thoughts.

"If only it was so easy" He spoke quietly not sure whether or not she heard him. He wasn't suicidal, Bernard had told him from his first week as new fledging that there was very little that can kill him. It wasn't even yet proven if the killing curse could kill a vampire so he never bothered trying to end his immortal life. He took a breath to clear his mind as he tried to return to his smiling nature. Though it was forced he made it a goal to never let anyone catch him while he was down, this girl unfortunately did so he decided to change the subject. "How long have you been stalking me?" He asked looking at her with a small smirk and finally stepped away from the mirror to walk forward.

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The boy turned quickly, catching Aife off guard. His skin was quixotically pale- so much more than hers that it was almost unreal. She inclined her head to hear him- she wasn't sure if she'd heard correctly. His expression changed as he inquired as to how long she'd been there. Trying to think of a witty response to match her first, she paused. It was always harder to follow up on quips, and she for one was the worst at producing them. She shook her head slowly, shrugging her shoulders against the door.

"Not but a minute, really", Aife told him. Her gaze ventured over his pallid features as she spoke, taking in his slender build and crisp visage. "I was..." she glanced down to the book in her hands. "Reading... and wandering." Her gaze returned to him, and she realized something was different about him. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, and she searched his features as she thought about the prospect. Her eyes landed on his, and with alarm, she noticed the contrast in his eyes.

They reminded her of a time when she'd been hiking in caves. One chamber was long and the ceiling high, and two people could stand side by side without touching. The guides had cautioned their wards and then turned off the lights. As the lights faded, the surrounding area became pitch black, devoid of any possible light. It was so... empty. As if she were entirely alone, despite the fact that her sister stood right next to her.

Aife's eyes widened, as she realized she'd been staring at the young man as she recalled the moment from her past. Her blue orbs fastened to his own, not withdrawing their gaze as she continued. "I'm sorry if I surprised you. It's just that I'm familiar with the mirror..." Her head nodded toward the glass that leaned against the wall. "It isn't anything good, I can tell you that now. It does things to you..."

Aife pulled her gaze reluctantly from his, and looked toward the mirror. It stood so deviously innocent against the cold stones, she wasn't surprised how easily one could be drawn to it. Recalling her manners, Aife extended her palm to greet his. "My name is Aife, by the way. Aife Argent." A smiled played across her lips as she waited for him to respond, her pupils again inspecting his obsidian irises. "You aren't a Rouerie, are you?" she asked.

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As he walked closer to her Caelen started to make out her appearance. The first thing he noticed of course was the beauty in her blue eyes, he supposed it was eyes that he always noticed first because he was so very self conscious over his own. Hers were magnificent and he just felt lost staring into them, they almost lit up the dark room and Caelen felt as if he would be content to gaze into them forever. He noticed the fiery red color of her hair next and smiled, this girl was just full of color and it really stood out from the complexion of her skin. Caelen slipped his hands into his pockets out of habit as he stood some distance from her.

A strange expression crossed her face quickly as if she was searching for her next words and Caelen simply stood still waiting for an answer. He was joking of course, trying to lighten the mood and he hoped that his statement hadn't offended her. She shook her head and shrugged her shoulders as if giving up and Caelen rose an eyebrow as to why when she responded. He wasn't surprise that she wasn't standing there long since he would have noticed her of course, but then again his thoughts were so engrossed into his memories that he didn't realize he was there until she spoke and he still cursed himself for that. What good was his enhanced senses if he didn't even use them right.

Caelen let his gaze wander to the book in her hand when hers did before looking up to meet her gaze. Reading and wandering was what lead her to be in the same room with him. That almost seemed like fate playing with him, but than again Caelen didn't believe in such things as fate. Though he did believe in luck... and he decided it was bad luck that lead him to be a vampire and though the girl was very pretty he thought it was also bad luck that caused her to catch him mopping in front of a mirror. As his thoughts wandered Caelen realized that the girl had stop speaking and was most likely awaiting a reply, he turned to answer her when he caught the look on her face. She was staring it was blatantly obvious and Caelen felt a surge of insecurity run through him. There was no mistake she looking at his eyes, they always did and he was afraid to look away as to not seem rude but the more she held his gaze the more he wanted to shield them. It seemed the mirror made his insecurity worse now as it was accompanied by a nice case of paranoia.

She spoke again and Caelen found himself concentrating on not leaving the room, finally she broke his gaze and he released a small breath. She began to talk about the mirror and nodded towards it and Caelen turned to look at the evil thing again. "I've realized that" He said with some humor in his voice when she spoke about the power that the mirror held. He released a breath and turned to look at her as curiosity got the best of him. He knew his question would bring nothing good from her words but he couldn't stop himself from asking. "What do you see when you look into it?" He spoke with a look of seriousness on his face. He really wanted to know, He suppose if it was to see if everyone felt anger towards the mirror like he did or not.

She extended her hand towards him and spoke her name and Caelen gave her a charming smile. Her name was unique, he had to admit but he supposed it fit her in a way. He extended his own to take hers by the tips gently and lifted her hand to his lips to lay a delicate kiss before returning it to her side. "I'm Caelen Sage" He added with a smile and brought his arm to his side also. He didn't really like saying his last name anymore but the name felt empty without it so he used it. "No, not Rouerie" He answered her with the same dazzling smile but then his brows narrowed questioningly. "Though I take offense to that statement, I think I'd make a fine Rouerie" He answered placing a hand on his heart. "But I suppose they didn't want me..." He spoke again with an over dramatic sigh as he glanced at her from the corner of his eyes.
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Aife blushed at Caelen's formal introduction. His name was beautiful, and she had to say, it fit him well. She grinned when he confirmed Rouerie's lacking, and her lips twitched at his further musings. Fighting back a laugh, her hand rose to hide the evidence. "I'm sure the sorting cloak had no idea what it was missing", she said, smiling widely.

Aife thought back to his earlier question. "Actually... I saw my father. And then my grandmother", she began. "It made me think that she was dead... I mean, my father passed when I was young, so I just assumed..." her voice trailed, she thought of that horrible morning in the room, and the mirror's taunting ways. "It drove me crazy. Almost literally..." she conceded. "But she is all right. Really. I think it just shows you what you want the most... or it's supposed to", she claimed. "But I think it is capable of much more..." She stood still, thinking. "It isn't good to get too wrapped up in it."

Aife looked up at Caelen. "What did you see?" she asked. His expression faltered, and she held her hands up. "Don't worry... you don't have to tell me", she said quickly. "I don't mind it." She smiled softly. If he wanted to talk, he could- she was a great listener. But she never pushed people farther than they needed to go. "By the way, what are you doing up here?" she asked. "How did you find this room?"

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Caelen smiled widely as her face turned a crimson color close to the red color of her hair. He brought his hands down and slipped them into his pockets out of habit when she began speaking and returned with a grin of her own. He was only joking about the Rouerie statement of course, he had no doubt that the sorting cloak placed him in the correct house. Though Sournois was often accompanied by the words arrogant and selfish it also held the often distraught, the skeptical and the untrusting which were the 3 words that described the inner workings of Caelen. Well now it did, before he was a vampire he wouldn't have belonged in Sournois at all but you can't undo the past. Well you could with the proper spell or device... but he wasn't able to.

She began talking of the mirror and Caelen found himself feeling pity for her. He imagined when she saw her father she felt a sense of longing and since she saw her grandmother also he assumed maybe she was homesick. Either way thinking of the mirror made him angry again, he wondered if he was the only one to have such a reaction to the mirror. Maybe it was because his personality was so complicated, he didn't feel longing over not being human he was just angry that he wasn't and that was the reaction the mirror brought from him. He couldn't imagine himself being driven insane by the mirror since truthfully if Aife hadn't walked in when she did there was a chance he would have broken it regardless of the consequences.

Aife asked him the same question in return and he cursed himself silently. Of course he should have expected such a question but he didn't and he assumed she noticed the change in his thoughts as she dismissed it just as quickly. He sighed softly deciding he owed her an apology, she did reveal to him what she saw so he should do the same to her but he couldn't, not without revealing what he was. Maybe he could lie to her... no that wouldn't be a good idea, he didn't want to start off lying outright to someone he barely knew. "Sorry... it's just very... personal" He spoke with an apologetic look hoping that was enough to sattisfy her for the time being.

Another smile crossed his face at her other question as he tried to think of the best way to make his short and boring tale of finding this room an interesting one. He sighed softly and looked at her with a grin as he spoke. "I was driven out of my common room by an arguing pair..." He began as he tried to remember what the two were talking about before he left. "It was a very interesting tale of quidditch... and I ran far far away and ended up here" He said with a laugh as he watched her. "Curiosity got the best of me, a door at the end of a hallway is always hiding a secret so I came in and found this amazing little mirror of suicide" Caelen grinned using his personal name for the mirror as he glanced at it quickly.

He wondered how something that seemed so insignificant could completely destroy someone's state of ease. He really wished he never came in here but now he wasn't regretting it as much as he just made a new very attractive redhead friend. "I'm in Sournois by the way" He added after a moment as he realized she still wasn't aware of what house he was in. "Does that lessen your opinion of me?" He asked mocking a hurt expression. Sournois weren't known for their niceties and he was sure the other houses resented that particular house.

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Aife nodded, her hands coming up before her. "I understand", she said. "I don't mind not knowing." She offered a smile in proof, and listened as he answered her next question. "You don't like Quidditch?" she asked. "Well you are one of a million- it seems everyone here likes it", she said. Her mind wandered to her mother, who was an avid fan in her own rights.

At the mention of the mirror, Aife's gaze turned toward the glass. "It really could be suicidal..." she noted. She looked back up at Caelen. "So are you glad that curiosity bested you?" she asked, her head cocking inquiringly. It was debatable that anyone could be glad to find the mirror, though she had heard of people who'd enjoyed their views. She moved further into the room, looking at the mirror, though avoiding direct contact. It was ironic... how harmless it seemed, even now. She turned, facing Caelen again.

"Oh, you are Sournois, then?" she asked. A smile crossed her features when he asked how her opinion faired. "No, it does nothing to my opinion..." she mused. "I tend to not judge people on their house placement." Aife thought a moment, considering her accumalation of friends at the school. "I do not know a lot of Sournois students, though when I ask after one, people aren't exactly thrilled..." She focussed on Caelen. "Do you think you belong in Sournois?" she asked. "Considering what it is said to stand for? Or do you believe that the house doesn't define the student?"

Aife thought about her own placement. "I guess I would belong to Rouerie regardless", she said, shrugging her shoulders thoughtfully. "I am most certain that Cossu doesn't fit me, and Sournois is probably even more ill fitting. If you think about what they stand for, that is..." she noted.

Aife returned her gaze to Caelen's. "What brings you to Beauxbatons?" she asked. "Besides the obvious, of course... Do you like it here?" She felt curious, and the lack of witnesses emboldened her usually shy manners. "Where are you from, anyway?" she asked, her small white teeth showing through her smiling lips.

Aife stood still, listening as Caelen answered her various questions. She realized she was rambling again, or maybe taking to many liberties. But he could always refuse to answer. She'd have no problem with such. It occurred to her that she wanted to hear him speak. His voice was smooth, and his expressions changed beautifully. His words held her attention, just as the mirror stood ignored behind her.